adulting

I'm having a hard time with this thing called "adulting"
but I need to remember
I'm super lucky to have this kind of life

yet I'm taking it for granted...

time to time I need to remind myself
there are probably millions of people that wants to at least have a life like mine

parents are still here
family still complete
got a stable job when I turned 20

yet here I am
thinking of quitting
spending on things that doesn't really help me improve
eating unhealthy foods
not saving money

but on the other side

I have this mindset
to just enjoy and when you die you die
yolo everything

but...
I'm very scared
because soon
one by one
people I love will move on
disappear

what happens to me then?

I do think that there's no hope for me
I mean in "love"
I'm too insecure and I enjoy being alone most of the time

yet
I'm still a hopeless romantic
poisoned by countless movies and stories I've laid my eyes on

I'm a walking contradictory
I don't know what the fuck I really want

I'm shit
I want a lot of things
yet I don't work hard for it

I kinda miss the old me
the hungry me
was always working to prove to everybody that I can do it
I can succeed

now...
I'm just a loser
became complacent

so wtf
should I risk it?
drop everything?
so I can get my hunger back...

another "but"
my parents are old now
their body is getting weak
it hurts seeing them being sick

maybe there's no time for a reset...

I want to give everything to my parents
I hope I can
I hope there's still time

One thing I realized a few years ago is that I don't like being in a hospital
cause that means someone I know is having a hard time

I don't know what and why the heck did I write this
maybe I just want to let these thoughts out

fuckckckck

I might need to pause and stop watching movies/series
or at least I need to really schedule my day

okay I'mma stop here I guess...

draw/paint
write about anything
make music
research

these are the things I want to do in life
I'm gonna think and act
plan this stuffs

I don't want to regret not making enough effort

July 20, 2026

remember this

good luck me
have fun